There’s gotta be *someone* I can sue.
(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) (*) (*) * (*)~*~(*) HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #889 * 0 0 ~ 0 * ~ 0 0 ~* *~ 0 hOGS ~ "The Scooby Doo Conspiracy" ( 0*~*~*0 ( ) 0*~*~ oF ) ~ 0 0 ~ ~ 0 eNTROPY ~ By: Hypomonk * 0 0 * * 0 * 10-23-99 (*) (*) ~ (*)~*~(*) (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) From the oblivious youth, fully enthrawled in repetitious episodes of Scooby Doo, to the cultured young man I am now, I've constructed a malevolant theory behind a cartoon staple of my childhood. At first glance, Scooby Doo is an innocent cartoon, geared for those 7 and younger. A common battle against good an evil, a monotonous story: Suspected, spooky apparition that scares the gang for a half hour, before being foiled by the pesky kids after they reveal his identity as an old man, just trying to make some loot. Let us analyze the basics of an average episode of Scooby Doo. Step #1: The gang hangs out until... Step #2: A plot forms when something spooky (ghost, monster, deranged pirate ship captain, etc) appears and gives the gang a good scare. Step #3: Clues are found (or stumbled upon). Step #4: Scooby snacking is rampant. Step #5: The gang pieces the clues together (note that Daphne is rarely a participant in finding clues or having any revelations about the case, she's there because she's rich), foil the villians plans. Step #6: "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you pesky kids". These steps apply for every episode of Scooby Doo ever produced. To anyone over 7 still actively watching Scooby Doo for its content, I'm impressed by your total lack of surprise when you find out that the ending your watching now has the same exact premise as the one you watched previously. To you, my condolences. CONSPIRACY ONE. Scooby and Shaggy: Stoned. Example #1: They're always hungry. 4 scenes don't go by without Scooby and Shaggy consuming un-godly amounts of food. Example #2: They're always paranoid. Ever notice who's the first to let loose a "Zoinks!" or a "Yikes!"? Example #3: Shaggy's long hair, unshaven goatee, and grubby fasade are complete give aways of the stoner persona. Example #4: Note how confused Scooby and Shaggy always seem to be. Example #5: Also note how many times Scooby and Shaggy say, "like" in an episode. Example #6: Scooby Snacks? Hrmmm. Example #6: The Mystery Van. Hunger, paranoia, confusion, and near constant giggling. The signs are all too clear. CONSPIRACY TWO. Fred: Pimp. Example #1: Fred constantly orders Scooby and Shaggy to "go that a'way" when pursuing clues. He then takes off with the girls in the other direction. Example #2: Whenever the gang spends the night in a haunted castle/old motel, Scooby and Shaggy always share a room. This leaves you to wonder where Fred, Velma, and Daphne are. Example #3: Fred, Velma, and Daphne are always upset when Scooby and Shaggy interrupt their "alone time". Example #4: The Mystery Van. The way I look at it, Fred is getting the best of both worlds in whatever sexual excursions are taking place. On one hand, there's Velma. Not the cutest thing I've ever seen, but definitely the brains of the group. Then there's Daphne. Long legs, beautiful smile, flowing hair... what more could a guy ask for? What's more, the age of the gang (between 16 and 18, according to http://www.tbssuperstation.com/disaster/scooby/index.htm) is the perfect age for sexual and chemical experimentation. Take into account the year they were living in (the 1970's), and it all makes sense. Scoob and Shaggy are too busy getting stoned to notice Fred and the girl's sexual exploits. Daphne is merely Fred's sex toy. Velma isn't attracted to Shaggy (or Scooby, for that matter), so Fred rewards her brainy efforts with a good hard fuck. AND THIS IS A CHILD'S CARTOON?! GOD DAMN HANNA-BARBERA AND EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR! (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) ( *(c) hOGS oF eNTROPY pRESS* HOE #889 ~ WRITTEN BY: HYPOMONK ~ 10/23/99 )